It is true that communication is key relationships and to sex, but it is also true that many of us simply aren’t comfortable talking dirty. We feel awkward or embarrassed, especially early in a relationship. We worry we say the wrong thing or give the wrong signal to someone. So how do you master the art of talking dirty and feel good about it?
Let’s start with the basics – how do you describe the intimate parts of your body and that of your partner? Everyone has fun terms and also slightly more adult ways to describe things. If you are going to feel comfortable talking dirty, you need to first think about the words you are comfortable using. You also need to ensure that your partner is clear on what you are talking about – all those fun terms that parents use with their kids might not mean the same things to different people and get lead to confusion! So aim for the more adult versions of the descriptions.
It also helps to have an idea about the kind of words you find exciting and will, therefore, enjoy using. Think about compliments in the past and words that have been used to you that you found exciting. Maybe it was to describe what a partner was going to do while experimenting with sex toys for couples or just in the bedroom. Think about using these words. And look at the same for your partner – what terms excite them, and they like to hear?
Verbs are the words that describe what you want and what you are going to do and are crucial when you are talking dirty for two reasons – one because they sound great and two it makes it clear what is going on. When you visit a website offering Sex Toys for Couples to Buy, for example, you will see lots of verbs to tell you what the toy is for and what it does. Think like that when you are deciding on what you will say – you can be as sweet or as raunchy as you want.
When you talk you can talk about what you are going to do, what you are doing and what you have done in the past. All three can work well in dirty talk. So you can tell your partner what you are going to do to them, both checking in that they are into it and to excite them. You can offer narration on what you are doing (although they probably already know) and you can remind them of past experiences to excite them about a repeat event.
Okay if you have kids around you might want to be selective what you say but there’s no reason you can’t develop little terms that you use outside the bedroom to remind each other of what you have done. It can be a way to keep the excitement alive and keep the anticipation high for the next time around.
There’s a lot of nervousness for both sexes about consent and making sure you have it. Talking dirty can be a good way to make it clear either what you want or what you want to do and make sure you have very clear and explicit consent from your partner about these plans. You can tell them what you want them to do to you, for example, and know if they do it, it is because they want to and are happy to.
Playing games can be as much as much about talking as anything – laying out scenarios of things you want to do and see what your partner feels about them. What if games are a great idea in the bedroom and also help establish those boundaries. Some people might love certain positions, for example, but others don’t enjoy them. Those what if games get you in the mood but also help you be a more responsive, attenuative lover.
You can get inspiration for your dirty talk from lots of places and it doesn’t have to mean watching porn if you don’t want to. For example, erotica literature can be a great source of ideas and inspiration and even books that aren’t designed for that purpose but contain intimate or sexy scenes can be inspirational. The same applies to films – anything with sexy scenes in it can give you ideas.
There’s no reason why we can’t all enjoy talking dirty to our partner and enjoying it. it doesn’t need to be embarrassing or humiliating and can also be a great way to ensure you are both into what you want to do, and that consent is clear.